I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
