plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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