I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
