if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Too much gin, very little bucket
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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