Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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