its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
