I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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