We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
