I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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