I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
