My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
