At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
