Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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