I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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