waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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