i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
