so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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