The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm too high and old for this...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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