There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
