Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
