I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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