I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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