Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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