Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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