I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
