my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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