I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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