for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
