I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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