your thong is hanging out like whoa
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
