Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
