Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
