Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
