I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
