benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
