There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
