I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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