Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
