She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
