I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
