??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
