He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You're a waste of cheezeits
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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