note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
be right there i have to get my cape
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
