I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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