Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
