Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
