From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
