24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Text me some of your sweat
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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