just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
