Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
