Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
